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The Odd Life of Timothy Green
(Intro, comprised of earlier footage of the Nostalgia Critic, plays with rock version of the song "The Review Must Go On". We then cut to the NC sitting in his usual spot.) NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, seeing how this is Febuary... (Pictures of a man kissing a woman saying "Thank you, St Valentine!", and the real St Valentine saying "You don't even know what I did.") NC (vo): ...the month of romance based around a Saint that your uniquely lazy ass will never bother to research, (OS) I think we should dedicate this enchanted time of year to "The Month of Love". (NC turns his head to the right and smiles at the camera, while a logo of a heart with his face is shown in the corner, along with the title "Nostalgia Critic's Month of Love" as well as a harp glissando) NC: And what better way to start off this month of love than the love one gives to a child? (Picture of a boy and a girl on a log, with the title "NAMbLA, voice of the north american man/boy love association") NC: No, no, and your Jacuzzi with barbed wire in Hell is waiting for you. No, I'm talking about the love from parent to child as demonstrated in "The Odd Life of Timothy Green". (The title screen from "The Odd Life of Timothy Green" is presented, followed by a montage of clips from the movie) NC (vo): This is the story about a couple who can't have a child, until one magically appears in the backyard, and shows them the quirks and whimzy of what it means to be a parent. Now, granted, a lot of people didn't like this film when it first came out. In fact many declared they'd rather pass a marble bag of kidney stones. But, I'm sure such an innocent story coudn't have anything that horrible in it. NC (vo): How bad could something like this possibly be? Something so adorable, and loveable, and cute, and absolutely charming- (One viewing later) (NC has blood on his hands) NC: My apologies to the neighbor's cat. It's just that after seeing a film that was so... cat-killingly bad, I had no choice but to destroy the nearest living creature. I mean... wow. Wow! God Jesus wow! Heaven above Lord shit fuck wow!! This film is horrendous! I mean, it's god-awful! I could rip into this shit storm so much that... that's exactly what I'm gonna do! This is The Odd Terribly Disturbed Life... of Timothy Green. (NC looks sad about what he has done) I'm sorry, Waffles. (Picture of cat with "In Loving Memory" underneath while a voice sings "Gloria") NC (vo): The film opens with a couple, played by Jennifer Garner and Joel Edgerton, who are filling out the paperwork to apply for adopting a child. Evette Onat: But wait. You didn't answer what makes you quallified. Jim: Oh we know. There wasn't enough space. Cindy: We had so much to say. (Cuts to Critc looking unamused with a hand covering his forhead.) NC: Okay...idiots. Word of advice: If your reasoning wouldn't work on your second grade teacher, chances are it wouldn't work on The United States Adoption Services. NC (vo): I mean really? There wasn't enough space? That's what you're going with? Imagine using that excuse somewhere else in life. (Cut to a sketch featuring Critc as a student in a class. he has a white t-shirt and a ball cap turned to the side isn't given a name but he sounds like Fuckup McDumbass from the Sonic review. Rachael Tietz plays the teacher.) Student: Here's my test Mrs. Travers! Mrs. Travers: Um, you failed to answer every single question listed. Student: I know. I just had so much information I could put it down for all of them, I decided not to. Mrs. Travers: I'm sorry. That means you get an F. Student: As in fantastic? Mrs. Travers: No, as in fail. Student: As in fail not to be fantastic? Mrs. Travers: No, as in you failed the test. Student: As in I fail the test of not failing the exam that you so currently gave to me? Mrs. Travers: Why are you still here? Student: (sadly) I need a mommy. NC (vo): So they convince the adoption agency to listen to their story about "why there wasn't enough space." Cindy: You're gonna find it hard to believe. This all began last September. NC (vo): It turns out that Garner's unable to get pregnant, which forces them to drive back to Stanleyville, the Pencil Capital of The World (a zoom in on the city's title on the building is shown. NC looks around, then gives an "ooh." Clips of pencils being made in the factory are shown) Oh, and I'm not kidding. They really want you to remember that Stanleyville is the Pencil Capital of the World. They show countless footage of pencils being made, they have a soccer team called the Erasers, Edgerton works for a pencil factory, Garner is a tour guide in a museum dedicated to pencils. By the time the movie is over, you wanna eat the goddamn things. But our couple doesn't seem to have much of an appetite as they're still heartbroken about Garner being as unfruitful as their vegetable garden. Jim: I can't do it, I can't move on. Cindy: Then move out of the way. (Jim turns the TV off) Jim: For years we've been thinking about what our kid would have been like. We can move on tomorrow. Just for tonight, can't we have a kid? NC: You know. this might sound like a fucking radical idea, but, uh, why not an orphanage? NC (vo): Yeah, a little weird seeing how the film opens up with them at the orphanage. So it's not like it's never crossed their minds. If having a child meant so much to you, why didn't you just do that before? Were they afraid that something like Timothy might come to life and therefore have to turn another child down? (We're now in an orphanage with Malcolm Ray as the orphan) Orphan: (high pitched voice) Are my new parents nice? Off-screen voice (Doug): They certainly are and they're gonna give you a good home. Orphan: Yay! I can't wait to have a real mom and dad! Voice: Oh, I'm so sorry! It says here that they've grown a child in the back yard that's absolutely perfect in every way in which case they don't have any need for you anymore. Orphan: No need? Voice: None. I'm sorry, I know it's the third time this month. Orphan: (voice is now deeper) Man, fuck this shit. I'm 18 and I'm still not adopted. (he then gets up and leaves) NC (vo): But, they decide to fantasize for just one night and thus, the build-a-kid workshop is opened. (Jim and Cindy are writing down their ideas for their ideal kid on a notepad) Cindy: Would our kid be musical? Jim: Our kid, would ROCK! Cindy: Love and be loved. Jim: How great an athlete are you picturing? Cindy: You were terrible at soccer. Jim: Our kid, AMAZING kid, got to score the winning goal. (Cut to a confused Critic as the two go silent). Jim & Cindy: AHHHHHHH!!!!! (Cut back to the Critic who shouts back in fear of the sudden outburst. The would be parents continue to cheer). NC: OK, could you NOT show how 'in tuned' you are in such a loud scary way? NC (vo): So they put their drawings and butt-vaginas in a box and bury it in the back yard, convinced that they could now move on with their lives. But then... (Cue 'Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D Minor' as we see the garden in the middle of a downpour.) NC (vo): So we get our first look at children of the corn who has leaves on his ankles and apparently is thoroughly convinced that he has always belonged to this couple. Cindy: Because Mr. and Mrs. Green... Timothy: Mom, really? Dad... (Timothy smiles at the befuddled couple) NC: So, of course they have to fill out a report or go to the police, or put out a poster saying 'Missing Child'... Cindy (whispering to Jim): Is he for us? Jim: I'm getting that, yeah. NC: Kiddnapping works too, I'm always shocked how many people don't consider that option... (vo) I mean when you look past that whole "illegal" and "emotionally scarring" thing, it's actually pretty logical. (cut back to the Critic) You know, you CAN turn him in to the authorities guys! It's not like E.T! (Cut to the start of the bike flying scene from ET) NC (vo): They have walkie-talkies now instead of guns. (Cut back to the Critic, shocked into realization that...) NC: Oh wait, they changed it back in the DVD version didn't they? RUN TIMMY RUN!!!! NC (vo): So Garner's sister shows up the next day and our new parents try to explain the appearance of our little friend. (cut to a garden party with Cindy and her sister making sandwiches) Cindy: It was all very sudden, and kind of miraculous. Brenda: Aah,...I mean, I thought you were trying to have a real kid. (cut to NC) NC: AAAAND let's add her to the list of horrible pieces of human shit in this film (a list appears titled horrible pieces of human shit and "Sister Bitch" is added on the list) NC: Trust me, the list will grow NC (vo): In fact there's one right now. (Jim's father appears) Edgerton's father,who apparently spends most of his time away from his son, who has resented him ever since. But Timmy hopes he can win his grandfather over with a trailer shot. (Said trailer shot is a 360 panoramic sweep of Timmy, arms stretched out and eyes closed.) NC (vo): Ah yes, he must be doing this because he's a plant, and therefore basking when the sun comes out. Except for the fact that the sun was CLEARLY out severla other times before, but the cameraman wasn't ready for his 360 shot yet. His grandfather acts accordingly. (Smack sound effect as a ball is thrown at Timmy's head, cut back to the interview room). Evette: What did you say to your father after he bonked the boy with leaves in the head. Cindy: Complicated. Jim: I didn't say anything. Evette: Really? NC (vo): And yes, the adoption agency is still listening to the story and allowing them to continue. Because if I ran an adoption agency, I'd say to myself, "Yeah! This is worth my valuable time! Not turning these people away and instead looking for parents who don't think the Cabbage Patch Kids are based on a true story. I'd... I'd listen too!" I could only imagine what that guy is writing down on his notepad the whole time. (Cut to a notepad with the word "INSANE!" in big bold letters surrounded by other words like "crazy" "make it stop" "names in a box?" "grew child?" "leaves? scissors?" "are we being punked?" "we are being punked" "call 911" and "wtf?" all filling up the page. There's also a note saying "Dinner with Melissa @ 8:00." This cut is lovingly accompanied by Merrie Melodies theme "Merrily We Roll Along". We cut back to the pencil factory.) NC: Oh thank god! We almost took the focus of the movie away from pencils. Franklin Crudstaff: Worst case scenario, my aunt and my father would have no choice but to close the factory. NC (vo): But Edgerton is called away from the pencil pushers as it appears Timmy has been beaten up at school. Jim (to Timmy): This kind of thing happened to me when I was your age. And all I wanted was for my dad to have my back. And he didn't. NC: Bottom line, as long as you come out of this with a healthy hatred for your grandfather, I'll consider myself a good father. NC (vo): But, OH! It turns out the father of those bullies is actually his boss. Wah-wah. Boss: Are you really gonna fight all his battles for him? Do you think that's wise? NC: Why can't you be like me? I let my kids get away with murder! Boss' wife: Next Saturday, we're having a birthday party pool bash, and we'd love it if Timothy would come. Timmy: Yes! (cut back to the interview) Evette: Oh please, don't tell me. You took him back to the house of the boys that bullied him? Cindy: He really wanted to go. Evette: So you let him decide what was best. Jim: I thought it was time for him to fight his own battles. Cindy: We just forgot to ask if he could swim. NC (vo): And you're probably starting to see what the main problem with this movie is. Not the fact that they're telling a story that nobody not kicked by a horse could believe or that they live in a town with more inbred jerks than a TLC show. (cut to desk) Oh don't get me wrong, those are GREAT things to hate! (vo) But the parenting in this movie is awful! I mean really, really awful! They're trying to tell this story to show how much they've learned, but all we ever see is them constantly acknowledge that they always make the wrong choices! Hhhhow is that gonna win them over? Jim: We were gonna have... Jim & Cindy: The talk... Jim : ..that we didn't really know how to have... Cindy: That was the plan. The talk. NC (vo): And here's another little annoying tidbit they do alot in this movie. The couple completes their sentences a little too often. Jim: Everything had changed... Cindy: There he was, leaves and all... Jim: Didn't matter where he came from... Cindy: He was ours... Jim: We were his... Cindy: And we were a family... Jim: We were a family! NC (vo): And when I say a little too often I mean all the fucking time! Cindy: How do you tell your child that something's not possible? Jim: That it can't be done? Cindy: When they believe in you like that? Jim: We didn't want to dissapoint him. Cindy: No! We got busy! NC (vo): I'm sure again this is to show how 'in-tune' they are, but it's pretty obnoxious. I mean they just never stop doing it. I'd love once to see a couple complete each other's sentences without getting right what the other was going to say. (Cut to a skit featuring the Critic and Rachel Tietz, parodying Jim and Cindy. They are sitting in an office, making their case to the same adoption panel from the movie. Light piano music is heard.) Husband: It didn't matter where he came from... Wife: He was ours... Husband: We were his... Wife: We were a family... Husband: It was the greatest day since... Wife: He discovered Viagra! (The piano fades out quickly. The husband glances at his wife in embarrasment.) Husband: That wasn't what... Wife: A penis should look like, until he started taking it. Husband: Maybe if you let me finish... Wife: He would say all the time, but nothing ever came out!!! Husband: I don't think we should talk about this... Wife (pulls out a drawing): Without visuals. (The drawing is of the husband crying hysterically in bed and the wife looking away in disgust) Husband: Jesus Christ! Wife: ...he would cry every night until I showed him the online ad! Husband: Dammit, honey! This is already hard enough!!! Wife: ...was the name of the brand we got. Husband (laughs nervously): This is... Wife: ... why we can't have children. Husband: Can we just go back to talking about the child that we grew in our back yard? I think we were winning her over much better than that. Right? (cut to footage of Evette looking very confused) Husband: What's with the straight face? (Cut to the pool party where suddenly a teenage girl in her swimsuit appears strolling along the pool) NC: Oh, and just to make things better, let's throw prepubescent lust into the mix (They stare at each other while music plays) NC (vo): (mimicking Timothy) I think one of my stems is beginning to grow (Timothy smiles awkwardly while he hops up and down the hopping board of the pool) (cut to NC watching with a tense expression) NC: I'm guessing that's the mating dance of mulch (cut to scene where Timothy jumps into the pool) NC: Timmy seems to stay underwater for a while and...since the world's greatest parents are nowhere to be found, the girl dives in after him, ultimately discovering Timmy's little secret. (cut to scene underwater where she takes off one of the socks he is wearing to find out that he has leaves on his legs) NC: (mimicking Timothy) Nobody touches the leaves, bitch. (Timothy kicks the girl in the face with a pow sound effect added by NC while he swims away) NC (vo): You saw it right folks. Sweet, innocent Timmy kicked the girl he has a crush on right dab in the schnauzer. (Shows the scene of Timothy kicking the girl in the face again) NC (vo): Geesh, kid, when they said "fight your own battles," they didn't mean underwater flash kicks. (Shows the scene again, but with a Bruce Lee kung fu scream added in with the kicking) (Cut to a scene of the family driving home from the pool party) NC (vo): And speaking of fighting your own battles, what advice do mom and dad of the year have to give? Timothy: What do I do about the girl I kicked in the head? Cindy: ...Jim? Jim: Well, if you see her coming... just run the other way. NC (vo): (laughs) Hey kids. Let's play a game. It's called "Politicians". One second, I'll say one thing, and then another moment, I'll say something totally different. (Points to the right) Jim: I thought it was time he learned to fight his own battles. (NC points to the left) Jim: Just run the other way. (NC points to the right) Jim: I thought it was time he learned to fight his own battles. (NC points to the left) Jim: Just run the other way. (NC points back and forth between the two clips faster) Jim: Fight his own battles. Run the other way. Fight his own battles. Run the other way. NC: Now, let's play another game. It's called START MAKING SENSE, YOU FUCKING TOOLS! NC (vo): But she (the girl) takes the whole "leaves on his ankle thing" unrealistically well, as it turns out she has a jellystain (birthmark) in the shape of Wisconsin on her chest. So I guess that means they have something in common. Of course, her secret is minor and pedestrian, where he is... a living abomination of nature, but we have to have something for this forced romance to go off of. (Timmy's riding on the girl's bike with her while Cindy looks on. Cut to Jim at the pencil factory getting called by her) Cindy: (on phone) Look out your window. (Jim sees the girl and Timmy passing by) You told him to run the other way when he saw her and he's not running. NC (vo): But Timmy's parents don't like this at all. Because... NC: I have no fucking idea. NC (vo): We don't know a thing about her, she's done nothing wrong, and yet they advise Timmy to constantly stay away from her. (Jim and Timmy are kicking a soccer ball around in the backyard) Jim: There are so many girls... Cindy: It would be a mistake to focus on just one fish. NC: What we're trying to say, son, is stay away from the girl we know nothing about. Exploring her differences could only get in the way of isolating her more. (vo) Ugh, this movie's too hard to watch (back to desk) and I need a break. We'll be right back after these people try to sell you something. (He gets up and the NC theme plays before going to our first commercial. It has Malcolm and Rachel as a pair of parents on a couch) Narrator: Hey mom and dad. Or should I say, Lisa and Bob? Are you depressed that you can't have a child of your own? (They nod) Are you sad that the miracle of childbirth will never take place in your life? (They nod again) Do you find it unbearable that you will never know the gift of creation, (Lisa starts crying, leaning onto Bob for support) the growth of the young, or the unconditional love any human being could ever give to you as long as you live? Are you tired of your shriveled up wo-- Bob: Dude! Narrator: Well cry no more! (Lisa looks back with excitement) Cause we've invented... (a couple flashes of a fetus are shown before coming to our product...) Jingle: Ch-ch-ch-child! (The product is the Chia Child) Narrator: Chia Child. (Lisa and Bob are looking over notes of paper like Jim and Cindy used to make Timmy) The instructions are very simple. (Bob holding up a card that says "BLACK") Just write down exactly what you'd like your Chia Child to be like, (Lisa replaces the card with "WHITE." They then put the notes into a shoebox) place it in the Chia Child box, (a shovel is picked up) bury it in the backyard, (a shot of clouds in the sky) Just add God*, (*Copyrighted by the Life of the World to Come, Amen) (Now there's a girl with Lisa and Bob, all of them smiles) and Chia Child is yours. Lisa: I always wanted a girl with no imperfections at all. Just like a real child! (Ch-ch-ch-child!) Bob: I always dreamed of a little someone that I could project my insecurities onto, and that seems to have arrived. Girl: Look, I drew a picture (showing a picture of an old man with "YOU SUCK!!" under it) about how much you hate grandfather because he didn't raise you right. Bob: And now I get to pass down that hatred to you. (Ch-ch-ch-child!) (The new family's playing catch in the house. Flashing on screen are bits like "Only 72 payments of $24.95" "Warning: any ethical arguments you may have will be ignored" and "Order while supplies last or until we're caught.") Narrator: Chia Child will last up to three months, or until you feel the emotional and symbolic justification of what it means to be a family. Lisa: I'll admit. At first, (the family's now playing Mario Kart with the parents using Gamecube controllers and the child using a Wii steering wheel) we didn't think we'd be very good parents. Bob: But Chia Child seems to be calm and pleasant no matter what mistakes we make. (Seems the girl won as Lisa throws her controller down, then takes the Wii wheel) Lisa: So now we don't have to worry about any of that pesky moral responsibility. (The parents are now watching her draw) Narrator: Chia Child simply combines these natural elements (the elements being Treebeard from Lord of the Rings, Poison Ivy from Batman and Robin, and the demon from The Exorcist) to give you that loveable family that you've seen in most Sears catalogues. (The family's dancing in the living room while Bob holds up a stereo. Next scene of the parents hugging their child) And, when Chia Child has worn out her usefulness, (Lisa's now hitting the ground with a shovel) just bury her in the backyard and make another one. (And the parents are making another Chia Child) Bob: I'm so glad that something like Chia Child exists. Lisa: Yeah. I mean, do you know how long it takes to adopt a child? Eighteen months. Hell, I can get a gun in a week. (She then brings up a gun behind Bob's head, cocking it) Now make me a sandwich. Bob: Man, we're not-- Narrator: Chia Child. The child that grows when your parenting blows. Available in Daughter Lily (picture of a little girl) and Son Flower (picture of a little boy). (Now we get the actual commercial break)